Monday, January 09, 2006


This was a big weekend. We are in the process of remodelling our house and had to deal with Ash's room. Granted, most of the time she was in the room it was a biohazard zone. My guess is that 300-400 candybar wrappers and cans have at one time taken up residence under her futon.

When you lose a kid, their memory becomes an addiction. I just need a little more, a little more. You want things to trigger intense, detailed flashbacks.

Well, we cleaned out all of the products from her bathroom and I'm like..."this may have been the last thing that touched her armpit (her deodorant)"...or "this hair hanging onto this sticky goopy mess came from her precious head"



The general sentimentality evaporated when I opened something hoping to catch a fragrance that reminded me of her and was greeted by a rank smell from something that had been sitting for 8 months.

I am sure the little shit was chuckling her ass off wherever she is.

We are going to box her clothes and possessions and go through them down the road. We are supposedly going to make a t-shirt quilt, which should be easy because the princess had about 500 t-shirts. She was easy to buy for.

To be honest, clearing her room has not been too grueling. Sad yes, but not the debilitating grief that we were anticipating.

We feel strongly that we gave our baby as good a life as possible. We wanted everything for her and she surely would have experienced the world and many amazing things if we would have had more time together. It is not fair that we did not have that chance, but we do not have much in the way of regret and that is a blessing.

Crissy will be going in this week to have a deribrillator implanted in her chest to prevent a cardiac episode similar to what took Ashlyn's life. This is kind of scary, but will give us some peace of mind.

So please cross you fingers and pray to the God of your choice that this is a piece of cake.